Well, I think enough time has passed that I can do this. Things are finally over. Not like before, but like... over, over. And I think that's probably good, right? But that doesn't make it easy.

I'm not sure what to do. I'm not sure where the line will be crossed between admitting I'm in pain, and wallowing in it. I think right now I vacillate unhealthily between denial and wallowing when I'm by myself... then when we are in the same proximity I say stupid shit. It doesn't help that we've just completely cut social, academic, and professional ties when we are clearly going to inhabit at least a shared professional environment.

I don't know what to do, but I'm also trying not to let it fuck up all my business. Hmph.

mmm....

we're good again. shocking.

for the moment? hope not. <3

tonight:

5 papers to dr. ratner
1 paper to dr. prewitt
1 paper to dr. pelky
check in poulenc scores?
finish Grand Chor/Collegiate attendance?

but first i have to clean this shithole, or i'll be so distracted i won't be able to get ANYTHING done.

just kidding. he's looking elsewhere.

that came as a surprise.

Time to tell me the truth
To burden your mouth for what you say
No pieces of paper in the way
Cause i cant continue pretending to choose
The opposite sides on which we fall
The loving you laters if at all
No right minds could wrong be this many times

My memory is cruel
Im queen of attention to details
Defending intentions if he fails
Until now, he told me her name
It sounded familiar in a way
I could have sworn i'd heard him say it ten thousand times
If only i had been listening

Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me
Always between the lines
Between the lines

I thought i thought i was ready to bleed
That we'd move from the shadows on the wall
And stand in the center of it all
Too late two choices to stay or to leave
Mine was so easy to uncover
He'd already left with the other
So i've learned to listen through silence

Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me be
You and me always be

I tell myself all the words he surely meant to say
I'll talk until the conversation doesn't stay on
Wait for me i'm almost ready
When he meant let go

Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me
Always be
You and me
Always between the lines

Well, the year is almost done. A lot of stuff is up in the air, a lot of stuff I can't talk about. But it's certainly been an adventure.

• got back from Brevard
• ben, for him; brant for me.
• the start of never-ending Cosi rehearsals
• trying out being "official"
• everything sucking
• thought i had AIDS, no seriously... but I didn't.
• Christmas 2007 in Kalamazoo all by myself
• starting the new semester, and being determined.
• starting to fix "us"
• Cosi went up.
• AIMS auditions, and doing damn well (now let's see if I get the money!)
• being "us" again, and loving every minute of it.

I guess that's not a lot. I don't know. I'm sure there are a lot more mundane things, but those are the big ones. I'm not even really in the mood to be livejournaling right now, I just feel like I *need* to.

Tonight is going to be a long night. I'm literally doing homework starting at 3pm and seeing where I can get with that. Hopefully I can score a quick nap before I go to work at 12 tomorrow... yikes!

Steve and I are doing well. Er... I'm a mess, he's doing well, I guess. I loooooooooooove the kid. I just hope we can both be happy if we wind up in Europe for 8 weeks together. That'll be the real test. I feel like we can't possibly come back to the states feeling the same as when we leave the states. It's just too unique a situation.

Either way, I guess that's another adventure...

Okay, an update.

Sierra came into town on Thursday and it was absolutely wonderful! Can't lie, really, some bits of it were super stressful but the fault of neither her nor I. I just feel so much more grounded, now. I feel like everything is tangible, possible, and completely plausible. School, work, money, this summer, my love... everything. It was exactly what I needed.

Don't get me wrong, not every moment of it was that deep. A lot of it was just ... dicking around. We drank (a lot), we smoked (a lot), and we ate (a lot). We played videogames for a super long time, and that was basically wonderful. Sierra got to meet Marcus (finally!), and Mimi (finally!), and got to see Bethany again. Sierra finally met Steve.

A lot happened and was pretty swell, and I'm cool with the fact that I've ensured myself an allnighter tonight.

Okay, well at least this time I don't have to worry about getting up for class in an hour, it's just a matter of annoyance. My sleep-pattern has been utterly insufferable this semester. That would be one of my goals for the next six weeks if I didn't have so many already, but maybe better sleep will make everything else possible? I think so...

Well, Sierra comes into town tomorrow. I'm SO stoked about it. Her and Lisa are the only two Marquette people that I'm regularly in touch with (though not the only two I think about), and those girls complete me. Sierra just has this astounding way of putting me back together. Well, they both do. The thing is that it just... happens. It's like something in me is magically mended after being with those two ladies.

I'm running again. Take that how you will, but the primary message I was trying to convey was literal leftrightleftrightshinsplintsweaty running. I'm going home in May... for the first time in a long time. I think I've *just* crossed over into a new thought about all that. Before today I was only painfully longing to get home for a little while. Today, though, it kind of switched over; I'm really nervous to go home. Fourteen months, and now I'm coming home. It's like a test-run of the high school reunion (note: i think i was trying to explain this to justine tonight when i was really high...). Out of a town of 27,000 people, I've seen (or will have seen) Lisa, Jamie, Molly, Sierra, Granto, Trina, my dad, and my other dad in the last 14 months. That leaves more than a few people to catch up with.

I think a lot of this is just me being worried about my mother. That woman has me all tied up in knots all the time. I really, really want to have that talk with her. Part of me thinks it will go swimmingly. The other part of me... not so much. I guess somehow in my psyche, I need extra confidence, and I'm thinking all be all extra confident if I'm looking good.

In other news, which I might as well catch up on, since I'm not sleeping...

There's a guy that I keep entertaining. I say entertaining because that's all it really is -- we hang out, talk, watch movies, play board games. We got in a bit of a scuffle the last time he was here (three weeks ago?!) because I did something stupid, but when he called tonight and we made plans for tomorrow I kind of get the feeling that he's come to peace with it? He's a sweet guy, who knows. It probably won't go anywhere, but I do enjoy his company.

Welp.

Still awake.

=-(

And as far as that previous entry about "not talking about" certain topics... to hell with that! It's not even because "this is my lj and I can talk about what I want!" It's because I've realized I use this thing to log my existence, and I'd hate to look back years from now and not see what I'm thinking. Er... maybe that'd be okay, I guess, but in any event I'm going to do it anyway.

I'm watching "The Holiday" for probably the fiftieth time. I watch it every night when I'm in bed, and I'm starting to think that this is the reason I'm not sleeping very well. Not because I'm watching a movie, but because it reminds me of what we had. The funny thing is that -- for the most part -- things are pretty decent right now. *We* are pretty good right now. Not that I think things will go back to what they were, but it's a definite improvement from before. Two days of affection is better than years of static in the moment, but might be worse than months of derision in the end.

A bajillion years ago I used to post pictures on my LJ all the time. Hmph. I think I want to start again.

I'm determined to be more positive, and I think it's working. Every day, I find myself catching half-formed sentences on their way to escape and I chew them back down. The frequency of this seems to be increasing, too, and that's probably a good thing.

Ahh today. It was one of those it-doesn't-feel-like-anything-happened-but-in-actuality-lots-happened sorts of days. Now that it's after 4, and I'm still not sleeping, I'm making the *conscious* decision to skip some classes tomorrow. Honestly, for the last four days I have been to very few classes before noon. My body is just shutting down. I was fine before, being equally as busy and equally as sleep deprived, because my mind was still working. But now I've reached my breaking point. I *know* it was because of partying last weekend, which I just usually don't do anymore. I'm too busy. But as of right now I could get three hours of sleep if I went to my first two classes. They're really things that I shouldn't skip, but I'm about to die. So I'm not going to go, I'll recover over the weekend (when I can sleep all day every day), and then be back on track for Monday. I think this is a smarter choice than trying to push myself.

Also, I'm SO glad "we" are okay again =-) Today was like "the good ol' days," and I'm still smiling. =-)

So... while I was continuing to not sleep this past evening (note: i woke up friday morning, and then didn't sleep until saturday afternoon, and i woke up monday morning, and now won't sleep until tuesday afternoon... this is bad), I -- yet again -- reread my old Lj entries. I'm such a tool. I figured out why I'm doing it though, and it was mostly just to reread the loving comments on the other really shitty entries. Lame, I know --- giiiiiiiiiiiiiirl, I'm aware. But, what have you.

Anyway, the point of this post was to extrapolate on how history sometimes repeats itself. During that whole Matt phase, I would go in cyclic CRAZY. One week I'd be a hot mess, and then the next week I'd be determined to be okay. I found this, though, and found it interesting ('cause i'm pretty sure i've said the same thing about what's-his-name about seven billion times now):

"Sometimes I read too much into stuff and it's not valid,
and sometimes reading too much makes me pick up on your little idiosyncratic points.
Most of the time I'm very well-guarded, and I think that's working out well.
I'm often very proud of my self-control.
Even though things clearly aren't what I'd prefer,
I really feel like I'm getting the best you can offer."

Annnnd as far as the old Lj entries go... I've seriously written about how sad I am about Steve for I can't even COUNT how many entries. And it's true, I'm not saying it's not. I'm just commenting that I'm AWARE I'm pathetic. I'm going to try and do that less from now on...

But okay, since we're still being pathetic for a hot minute I'm going to vent out another Steve entry (shocked?) and also a quick bit on Matthew...

So, Steve. What the hell is going on there? Shit. I just feel like we're too graphically drawn to one another for it not to work out SOME day. Okay, I'll admit, we just aren't right for one another at this point in our lives. I don't see him wanting to be in a relationship, period, though I could be wrong. And as far as me -- I'm in a weird spot, myself. It's not like I'm "all growed up" and over partying, drinking, drugs, and sex... far from it. But at the same time I really seek a relationship. I *do* still want to party *sometimes*, but at other times I'd like to just curl up on the couch and watch some stupid movie and eat chinese before climbing into bed and passing out (without having sex! gasp!)... you know... exactly what Steve and I used to do ... ... ... So... fuck. I guess I just have to be sad for a little while, but to be quite honest, I'm kind of done with it. I've *got* to figure out how we can be friends without this killing me.

And Matthew... Well, I don't think I fully explained Saturday, ever. I couldn't fall sleep Friday night...for whatever reason. So I went to the 10a dress having not slept a wink, then continued to the orch sing for Cosi at noon (continuing to have not slept, mind you) where I actually sang quite a bit. By the time I got home I was totally whiped and knew I'd fall asleep, so I just set my alarm and let sleep take me over. But THEN I went ahead and slept allllllll the fuck through it... effectually missing Miller Show. I'm not sure if Matt found out from someone else, or whatever, but I really wanted to tell him. What seems vaguely like veiled contempt (though I suppose I could be imagining it) seems to indicate he did find out. I just want to convey that it was unintentional, and that I was really *really* upset that I didn't get to see it. And... yeah. I do really want to take him out for his birthday. Esp because I got that bitchin' Raddy giftcard today =-)

I spent all day today crying. It's just *everything* right now. It's me. It's him. It's school. It's rehearsal, homework, workwork, Grand Chorus, KSO, money, singing...

I just melted down. I daresay, however, that there is probably one thing on that list that set me over the edge. Thank goodness for Katie Rohwer for letting me meltdown. Gosh, I just don't know what it is about her that's so soothing sometimes.

Don't really know what to do... I just know I've stopped sleeping. Ever. I'm going to go work out tomorrow night and see if that helps. Y'know, I'm not convinced about that helping my sleeping, but either way, it's probably the right thing to do.

My resolution for tomorrow (today) is to say NOTHING negative, and not to curse. I wonder if I can do it..?

Your Personality Is

Idealist (NF) You are a passionate, caring, and unique person. You are good at expressing yourself and sharing your ideals. You are the most compassionate of all types and connect with others easily. Your heart tends to rule you. You can't make decisions without considering feelings. You seek out other empathetic people to befriend. Truth and authenticity matters in your friendships. In love, you give everything you have to relationships. You fall in love easily. At work, you crave personal expression and meaning in your career. With others, you communicate well. You can spend all night talking with someone. As far as your looks go, you've likely taken the time to develop your own personal style. On weekends, you like to be with others. Charity work is also a favorite pastime of yours.

You Are A Relationship Rescuer!

You don't ruin relationships, if anything you keep them together The key: you respect yourself and your guy. Which goes further than you might think. You simply treat your guy how you would like to be treated... the old golden rule. And in return, he treats you like gold - or at least tries. And how perfect is that

^^... what can i say about this?..^^

So... apparently I learn like a pendulum. He and I figured out yesterday (okay, I figured out... but he was involved) that after not talking for December, then trying to get things into a semblance of normalcy in January, that I went ahead and got too close... that's why my life sucks right now.

Fuck. I just miss him.

ohhh i don't regret that post at all. i meant every word of it. and in the midst of my CRAZY i think i worked some shit out.

and then we had a good "talk" at rehearsal.



ps, unrelated.

check out my music myspace http://www.myspace.com/williamduguidtenor and friend me =-)

Ohhhhhhkay. So, tell me why we've been DONEDONEDONEDONE for the better part of a month (I mean, I knew we were over a long time before that, but the words "I just don't want to be a big part of your life in *any* way" really seemed to make it real), and I can still fly off the handle at a single comment?

I'm still so ANGRY and I'm still so HURT and there's nothing I can do about it! FUCK THIS. We can sit there and have ridiculous silent conversations and it's amazing. OR we can actually be speaking, and KNOW what the other one *really* means... it's ASTOUNDING. I never let anyone in this far, and I let YOU in, and I got HURT. FUCK YOU.

It's not that I still want to be with you. Or maybe it is, I don't know. NO, it's not. I just decided. It's that I still fucking love you, you asshole. Not like what we had before we dated was perfect, but it was pretty okay, comparatively. What makes me more angry than you condemning our relationship from the start ("I knew I didn't want it to go any further than a month..."), is that I now realize you'd condemned our friendship from the start of our relationship! I don't know why it took me this long to realize what you were doing, or why I let it happen.

I'm hurt, and I'm lost, and I WANT MY GODDAMN BEST FRIEND BACK, you asshole!

Ohhh living is SO hard.

stressfuls:
bumper stickers i don't want to see
birthdays that hurt remembering (x2)
auditions (x3)
masterclasses
money, of course
academics

things i'm grateful for in my life:
finally starting to sing consistently
clean laundry that i'm about to pull out
yesterday's (and hopefully today's!) good hair
knowing my own limits with relationships and not putting myself out there quite yet...
sleeping with my humidifier
my logistic skills (grand chorus, what?!)

I don't know, this is something Dr. Prewitt told me I had to do last semester, and I've been blowing it off lately, but I'm going to start doing it again. Listing positive parts of your day every day when you wake up. I think LJ is a good place for that?

love,
b.

Ohhhh shit. What the fuck is up, y'know?

Busy semester. Chorus manager position is lots of work. VSB is meh, it's fine. Dealing with the Steve thing being over... really processing that. Entertaining the idea of something new, maybe.

more later, i guess.

Well, I'm trying to be positive. I don't think it's possible for me to *stay* positive at the moment, but I'm hoping that more often than not I can force my pessimism into submission.

That being said, life kind of stinks right now. First and foremost, I'm spending Christmas entirely alone this year. At least last year, when I also then was not in Marquette, my dad came down to visit... but this year there just wasn't any way I could ask him to make the trip again so soon after my recital. And being alone isn't awful, but at the holidays I wish I had a real family.

Work is interesting right now. I keep feeling as though I'm being punished for something that I don't know about. Being in the back room all day yesterday, and then today seeing the schedule and not getting a ton of hours next week. It's really the last time I can work until mid March, and it would have been nice to put some dollars in my account before the opera starts and life gets unworkable.

I'm having trouble discerning my anxiety of his absence in my life. Well, I'm not sure if I'm upset because I miss him, or because I miss being with him. We just didn't leave things very well, that's all. I mean, I've got all of these feelings (blah blah blah) but for the most part, I don't allow them to interfere with our friendship. I'm not pushing to get back together, I'm not putting the proverbial moves on him... I'm just here, doing what I've always done. Doing what *we've* always done. For some reason, that didn't work though and someone said they needed space. Well, fuck. I guess I'll give that to you, too.

Life is just... super hard right now.

i'm really struggling right now, and i don't know what to do with it. i thought that time and space would make things easier... but i don't know that things are getting easier whatsoever. =-(

someone posted my favorite poem ever in one of my communities.
THIS.
this is what i was trying to tell you. what i'm always trying to tell you.


"I Do Not Love You Except Because I Love You"- Pablo Neruda

I do not love you except because I love you;
I go from loving to not loving you,
From waiting to not waiting for you
My heart moves from cold to fire.

I love you only because it's you the one I love;
I hate you deeply, and hating you
Bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you
Is that I do not see you but love you blindly.

Maybe January light will consume
My heart with its cruel
Ray, stealing my key to true calm.

In this part of the story I am the one who
Dies, the only one, and I will die of love because I love you,
Because I love you, Love, in fire and blood.